Falling because I am afraid to fall?!

I love skating, but ...

Hey friends,

It’s been almost two weeks since I last published on Substack, and I have way too many backlogged photos to post and stories to share! I am not sure if I will ever get to everything, but we shall see how it goes.

Montreal is off the peak of the Omicron wave, and food establishments—thankfully—began to reopen to diners. This development also means I have been busy experiencing life in a new city!

Today’s update is a short one because midterm exams are coming up next week. Nevertheless, it is funny how I feel the strongest urge to write whenever work gets busy. Alternatively, a lockdown similar to the one we had in January also made me write more often than I usually do. I procrastinate way more with my writing whenever I am neither overly busy nor chill. Am I the only one who feels the same way?

Although I did not mention it at the time, I remember thinking how unfortunate it was that many national parks and tourist attractions were closed during the winter. At one point, I thought winter must be the most boring season to visit any country. However, my perspective changed when I began to think about the season from a different angle.

I decided that instead of moping and thinking about all the things I could have done in the summer, I might as well make the most of it. As it turns out, there are loads to do even in the winter! Currently, my favorite winter activity is ice skating outdoors on frozen ponds with the cool winter breeze on my face.

I should also add that I had no experience in ice skating before buying my skates. It was a YOLO moment when I got my secondhand skates off the varsity team at McGill. No regrets!

The first time I went onto the ice, my friend tried his best to teach me. However, the best I could manage was an awkward half-walk, half-waddle around the pond. The second time around though, another friend taught me in far greater detail, and I began gliding around the pond by the third hour! Albeit a little clumsily with flailing arms, of course.

I also fell ten times that evening. And this number is ten only because I stopped counting after ten. Seven, eight, nine, ten, ten, ten, ten-ten-ten-ten.

I initially thought I was horrid at balancing, but my friends noticed a few things.

First, I always fell on my bum. Second, I get back up in half a second as if every fall was no big deal. Finally, and most incriminating of all, I fell gradually as if I deliberately wanted to fall. And there are videos of me falling that show me pre-empting a fall whenever I begin to lose my balance!

The more I thought about it, the more interesting it became. I thought that since I was falling more often than I could count, I probably did not fear falling. Was I falling because I did not want to fall on my face? If so, was I truly unafraid of falling? Even after my friends pointed it out, I could not stop myself from falling whenever I came across a rough patch of ice either.

Peculiarities aside, maybe I am not as much of a risk-taker as I imagined. Perhaps, I allow myself the comfort of failing in a way that I could live with whenever the going gets tough. At this point, I cannot think of any occasions outside of skating that would validate this theory, but it seems plausible that a similar survival mechanism applies in other aspects of my life. I suppose the first step to self-improvement is awareness. For now, I am keeping my eyes peeled the next time I calibrate a soft failure when faced with insecurities.

Alright, let’s talk soon!

Sincerely,

Ming

PS: I visited Quebec City last weekend, and it was amazing. I cannot wait to share my adventures once I am done with exams.

PPS: Well, I hope to get down to it soon because I am flying off to Vancouver in less than a week!

Me with my friends, skating at La Fontaine after class!

Me with my friends, skating at La Fontaine after class!